Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Redial Button : Awkward Conversation Catalyst

This might be due my general clumsiness or inability to do anything properly - but the redial button on my stupid landline is the bane of my existence. Now you all know I'm no hard worker. I am NOT going to dial a number AGAIN, that I dialed three minutes ago. 
But.
See here is what happens. Ninety percent of the times. 
I dial a number, being all happy, ask what I need to and then hang up. Maximum five minute conversation. But because my brain is located somewhere near my butt, information gets lost somewhere on its way from down there, to my mouth because I unfailingly forget to ask what I actually needed to. I mean I can talk about the weather, ask about people's extended family, air my opinions on the current five year plan( full disclosure : I haven't the faintest), and have a mini heated debate about the existence of Pok√©mon. But asking what's coming in the next day's test? Pfft. Hell no. That gets lost in transition from my brain to my mouth. And basically fifteen minutes later I realise WHY I picked up the damn phone in the first place. 
Now it inevitably happens that in the span of this fifteen minutes - between it dawning on me that I didn't ask what I was supposed to, and disconnecting the call - I have had ANOTHER pointless conversation with person B already. 
And now I'm all like, "Damn - I didn't ask A about the test!"
So what do I do? Basic instinct. Press redial only to call Person B. And I'm expecting Person A's dude voice on the phone, but what I DO get is Person B's high pitched voice asking me why I'm calling literally after five minutes and don't I have anything better to do in life than to waste other people's time. And BECAUSE my brain is near my butt, and literally works with the speed of an obese snail, I keep on saying "Hello" in the most puzzled voice ever for eight minutes before I realise I've called the wrong person, by which time Person B is so mad that they are spewing lava into the phone. Wouldn't want to share THOSE profanities with you now. 
Yeah - I've lost friends because of this. 

Friday, 5 September 2014

What Emojis Really Mean

Some people use a lot of Emoticons while conversing(guilty of the crime.).And not to sound boastful or anything, but I consider myself something of an - ehem - expert *collar up* in the field that is emoticons.
Enjoy.
1.

When in doubt send a smiley. Did you make a joke? Were you being sarcastic? Are you mad at me? Are you serious? I couldn't figure, so there. This face could mean everything from "Ha ha. That is so funny", to "I am going to kill your family and FedEx their remains to the seven continents." :) (Eh? Eh? Anyone?)

2.

Undoubtedly, the most commonly used emoji for me. I am basically screaming from my rooftop, " Laugh minion. I am being funny", when I use this.
:P
Ok - c'mon that was good.
No?
Okay.

3.

I probably INITIATED this conversation just so that I could use this smiley. This smiley was the reason I replied to your "hey". I am a genius. Bow before me.

4.

Get yourself a glass of water, and drown yourself in it. You're boring/irritating me. You do not deserve to live. Or you might've stated something dumb or obvious - in which case you are simply stupid.

5.

Umm...
Random Person A : I looked good, right?
Random Person B : Your work is incomplete too, right?
Random Person c : You're telling the truth, right?
Me being all : Yeeeesss. *insert that face*
No.
In actuality, you looked horrible.
My work has been completed, checked and marked, sweety. You are two weeks too late.
And no. I am not telling the truth. I did eat all the chocolates. Mom. 
But I want you to know that without saying so, so there.
Annd there ya have it. My completely - and - utterly - useless guide to when to use emojis. You, my benighted doofuses are more enlightened than you were three minutes ago.
Congratulations.